Stripper Breasts, Panda Eyes and Number 3’s: 33 things women wished they knew before giving birth.

1. You’ll have the breasts of a stripper, and the libido of a nun.

2. How I would feel after the meds were off.

3. That coughing, sneezing, laughing, farting, jumping, blowing your nose, and just holding it would be an impossible feat as your bladder turns into Niagara Falls.

Oh crap I have a sneeze coming, oh no…. GET OUT OF THE TOILET!!

Ah empty bladder I’m safe at last *ACHOOOO*, ah GEEZE where did that come from? Another pair of nix!!

4. To stock up on granny panties and surfboard pads.

5. That having a shower and putting makeup on at 3am so I looked presentable at the hospital was a complete waste of time. Contractions starting undid all that time and effort as the pain over rode the need to look tidy.

6. Chances are you will go out with one side of your bra unclipped and have one-up, one-down boob until you realize.

7. You will smell like stale, off milk and vomit for the first 6mnths.

8. That there will be times, even when wearing breast pads, that you will leak through and saturate the bed!!

9. That after you give birth it really hurts to pee and Vaseline can help.

10. Wish I’d known what a poo-splosion was and how far up a baby’s back poo can go even when bub is sitting up.

11. Wish I was warned just how much ‘panda eyes’ come into season from the lack of sleep.

12. It is OK to say to visitors that you are napping, and NO YOU CANNOT WAKE MY SLEEPING BABY!

13. That when you stand up your insides will feel like they will fall out!

14. That my husband would get nauseous at the sight of blood and that my husband throwing up would trigger my gag reflex and dry gagging while having a C-section is horrible.

15. That newborn babies have the power to lay flat on their back and vomit a good foot vertically into the air. Its one of those spectacular things you don’t want to see twice.

16. To listen to you gut instincts. If you think you should stay at the hospital when they suggest you go home STAY! Or you just may end up giving birth in the hospital car park!

17. Baby blues… I wish someone told me…and that it’s ok to ask for help.

18. The ring of fire isn’t a joke (midwives laugh because they KNOW) it is literally like a flame being held against your vagina.

19. That it’s hard work! You only hear how wonderful it is and it’s the best thing ever. It is great, but it’s also hard. Sleep deprivation is horrible; you can’t prepare yourself for that. It does get easier though!

20. To duck quickly before being hit with projectile poop and vomit and the urine fountain a little boy can produce when changing his nappy.

21. To wait for 2 or 3 grunts before changing the nappy for a no2! On a few occasions in the early days after the first grunt we’d change the nappy only to be sprayed with poo during grunt no2&3. He’s 7 months now and we’re not rookies anymore!

22. That babies don’t just fall asleep when they are tired, it does take a bit more work than that.

23. To buy shares in a battery company.

24. That you will be more tired when your toddler has one sleep disturbed night than you were after a month of sleep disturbed nights with your newborn!

25. To enjoy the small things in life because once kids come along sometimes you can’t just do those things whenever you like.

26. How hungry I would get during the night! When I was in hospital I had hubby bring in a big drink bottle & lots of snacks because trying to get something real to eat at 3am is almost impossible.

27. Going to the toilet alone is a luxury! There seems to be a switch in children’s brains that says “Hey let’s follow Mum and see what is happening”.

28. That once it’s over the next day feels like you jumped and landed on cement. You don’t realise about your bum and tailbone, as you are too worried about your vagina before hand.

29. The unique sayings you never thought you’d ever say like “get your finger out of your bum” for example.

30. That I could refuse cord clamping straight away and take my placenta home.

31. That dads will use any excuse to get out of a nappy change, especially a number 2.

32. That even when they do start sleeping through the night you will be worried that you hadn’t heard them and still be up through the night just to check them.

33. Seriously nap when the baby does!

 

(As contributed by fans of Bubsac: Search, Add, Chat)